NEVER ENOUGH

I wonder when I will ever be enough? I am only good enough if you don't look too deep.
on the surface I've got it all. Husband, Kid, Job, Awesome Truck, people in my life... an then you look and see all the cracks in the veneer that is my life.
I am not much of a wife cause i can't give my husband the things he wants and needs.. I can't cook much anymore because i now vie for spaced in the kitchen, i don't clean anymore cause i don't do it well enough... i really don't feel like anything in bed cause i am fat and ugly and everything is sliding south and not aging gracefully
I'm a lousy mother... My son is angry and mean and having a hard time coping with life at 9 and somehow this is all my fault.
I spend so much time at work trying to figure out who's in charge; what I'm really supposed to be doing and what my job actually is that i can't actually do my job.
I had a recent experience that led me to take a good long look at why i am never enough and it goes like this.......
My m.i.l. and s.i.l always get together every year to bake the traditional holiday cookies, I am not usually invited. This year i was invited ( i think only because i now live in the apartment in my in laws house) almost 11 years i have been married to my hub. so anyway i was finally invited and i was really excited since i felt like somehow i had evolved. It snowed like 2 feet the day we were supposed to do these and my s.i.l. could not come up from her home 2 hrs away. I tried to be enough... i really really tried.. I told my m.i.l that we could do the cookies and not to worry and i commenced to try to bake cookies....
She spent the entire morning insulting me and then the afternoon whining about how my sis couldn't be there and she didn't want to do it and it was just awful to not have anyone to make them with..... and it hit me... i am only enough if you don't look too close.. so keep away; and you will never see the cracks in my veneer