Gray

I want to live...
i get so tired; tired of the fight, tired of the struggle. I want to rage against all the injustices of the world.
I want to create again.. i want to feel like i can..
I miss the rainbow that was my life. the sights and sounds and smells and beautiful colors that were once my life cooking, flowers, the garden, Gavin, John....so much has changed.
My world has turned gray lonely and dead.. like a life full of winters with no hope of spring.
the saddest of all that i am surrounded by people and no one gets it. no one understands that i am rotting from the inside out.. turned gray and lost in the ocean.... the insides so pain filled and sad. the outside pretending to be someone i am not.. happy positive and upbeat...
will i ever have color again?

Once upon a time...

Friday, June 12, 2009


For Sandy



I breathe in your essense

of loving a child

His Dreams and ambitions

are running wild



Balance of two views,

and two hearts

A glowing of warmth,

the flame in the hearth



Our heart in his hands,

he gives us this gift

My soul in your hands,

the sands to sift



A love is not taken

It is to give

Please receive mine,

my reason to live



Love is around us,

within us,

compelling us,

igniting us.

But will it be seen by both of us



For when we share each burden,

We delight in each joy

The glee in the girl

the boast in the boy



Your smile is my measure

of all I can be

In lifes imperfection

as vast as the sea

 by JMUZIKMON

why?

what did i do to make you hate me so much? I have tried so hard to please you to make you only once turn to me and say good job. you seem incapable of looking in my direction without disgust. do i not work hard every day?do i not take care of your son? do i not parent? do i not clean and take care of your home? I work, i parent i do whatever i think you want me to do... and never once can you be kind to me. now your disrespect, your disgust is showing up in my son. he turned to me and said "i will eat anything you don't fix" he is now mimicking you hating his mother because you cannot even like me a little. i take good care of your son. you and i were friends once and now your contempt and disgust are the mask you wear.. or maybe you took off the mask and what i now see is real.i never asked you for anything other than to be a grandfather to my son and a father to yours. Why? Why do you hate me so much?