so I recently (last night) got sucked into a conversation where I was told that when I die I am going to Hell... do not pass go, do not collect 200$. I mean am I a horrible person??? have I done something unforgivable??? Well the answer to that is YES. Where I have the issue, is that what I once was I no longer am.... I spent the whole night tossing and turning wondering if I'm really and truly going to now rot in Hell. I do so much that is good, I take care of people, I always try to do the extras I make sure that the people I love know it and not just with words so ...... Hell????? Really???? I'm just having a really hard time understanding it. I can tell you it does not feel right and I don't wanna. I don't wanna be all alone in the fires of Hell while everyone I have ever known and loved frolics in Heaven.... Will they even notice that I'm not there? will I just cease to be anything???? this scares the shit out of me.. and I have been fighting off the tears for the whole day...
The premise is this: If you have an abortion, you have taken a life (aggreed btw) and in the Catholic church, I have broken a mortal sin and am no longer eligible to go to heaven. People in on this discussion said they would not want ot be in the same room with me, would never want to be near me and have me near their families. I left the discussion ready to slit my wrists. I could not even imagine what the point of going on would be when no matter what I do, how good at heart I am or anything I will rot in the bowels of hell.... and I feel at this point I am at a crossroads... I don't even know what to say or do about this. Worst of it to me is the whole discussion was brought about by my friends husband (I work with her too) and I'm not really quite sure what to say or do. I have, at times in my life, embraced Death, run from Death, coveted Death but now I find that I FEAR it in a way I never thought possible. I have always understood that some day it will happen; but, Now I don't even want to sleep at night for fear It might happen today.... I don't know how ot live in Fear... I really need to think about this
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