Golden Retrievers

I had this conversation years ago with someone who said "you are a Golden retriever." I thought about it for a long time and realized.... it's true...
I love people, I've never met a stranger and I think the world at large is a wonderful place... unless it's not. I am "happy go lucky", not quick to anger(but vicious when I am), protective of those I love, never one to hold a grudge but never forget the ugly people in life.
I thought to myself... A Golden Retriever... that's not so bad... I am proud to be one! Why, I would rather be a Golden than say a yippee thing, biting at peoples ankles...or a mutt.. always questioning what you are and where you belong, Or even a Bull dog.. aggressive on the outside and frightened inside.. the proverbial Iron Marshmallow.
No, I decided,being a Golden was totally ME!!!!
Then I found out what that really means, in my soul.... Golden's feel... deeply.
Hurt that may roll off the back of a pit, or go UN-noticed by the yippee dog, hits deeply and is damaging. when someone lashes out at a Golden we bleed... in our soul.
Empathy is horribly painful... To truly empathize I must FEEL your pain... and to a Golden that is akin to a knife in the heart.
We also must judge our worth by what others tell us..... "you are ugly", "you aren't good enough"
This is so damaging, so painful... I am saddened to realize that I will never, no matter how hard I try.. no Matter what things I do or say, be good enough...
My soul is bleeding with the knowledge that I am so flawed that to be around me is a strain to you....
I have decided that being a Golden is a HORRIBLE thing... Why would you ever wish that on someone??
I don't know what to do to change that. I cannot be something that is not me... I don't understand the world when I see it this way. My basic character is inexorably flawed... I don't want to be hurt, and damaged, and left to the whims of those who feel in charge...
How sad to be a Golden Retriever.....

Death, life, Heaven, Hell, What the??????

so I recently (last night) got sucked into a conversation where I was told that when I die I am going to Hell... do not pass go, do not collect 200$. I mean am I a horrible person??? have I done something unforgivable??? Well the answer to that is YES. Where I have the issue, is that what I once was I no longer am.... I spent the whole night tossing and turning wondering if I'm really and truly going to now rot in Hell. I do so much that is good, I take care of people, I always try to do the extras I make sure that the people I love know it and not just with words so ...... Hell????? Really???? I'm just having a really hard time understanding it. I can tell you it does not feel right and I don't wanna. I don't wanna be all alone in the fires of Hell while everyone I have ever known and loved frolics in Heaven.... Will they even notice that I'm not there? will I just cease to be anything???? this scares the shit out of me.. and I have been fighting off the tears for the whole day...
The premise is this: If you have an abortion, you have taken a life (aggreed btw) and in the Catholic church, I have broken a mortal sin and am no longer eligible to go to heaven. People in on this discussion said they would not want ot be in the same room with me, would never want to be near me and have me near their families. I left the discussion ready to slit my wrists. I could not even imagine what the point of going on would be when no matter what I do, how good at heart I am or anything I will rot in the bowels of hell.... and I feel at this point I am at a crossroads... I don't even know what to say or do about this. Worst of it to me is the whole discussion was brought about by my friends husband (I work with her too) and I'm not really quite sure what to say or do. I have, at times in my life, embraced Death, run from Death, coveted Death but now I find that I FEAR it in a way I never thought possible. I have always understood that some day it will happen; but, Now I don't even want to sleep at night for fear It might happen today.... I don't know how ot live in Fear... I really need to think about this

weary

I have never been so tired. I have partied like a rockstar for days ans still managed to get up for work the next morning... right now I am so tired I cannot even think for myself.. I am working 60+ hours a week and I really love what I do.. but at this time I believe my job is defining me instead of the other way around..
I try day in day out to remain positive and always truthful but honestly i am just weary

Rawr!

Is it arrogance to be proud of yourself?
I feel like I have done something fantastic this week and all I really did was go to work and bust my butt all week..... Not only has the Arthritis been powerful painful this week I also caught the company sinus,chest, throat thing, and the infection moved to the lymph nodes and caused swelling and lots of pain. AND I DID IT!!!!!!!!! I powered thru, I kept going I crossed the finish line and made it all the way to the end of the week. No days off, not too much whining (depending on who you ask) and thru month end, without my office mate, all by my lonesome.
Meanwhile, doing the Mom gig, the wife gig (yes he got sick too, and took a day off cause he was just so ill)
As sick as I am, as crappy as this week had felt, as many times as I have just wanted to gived up and go lay down somewhere....... I made it!!!!! I AM WOMAN HEAR ME RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!

Pain

living with you sucks the life out of me. I cannot imagine why I have to travel this journey with you.
I thought you were long gone and just a foul memory
you cost me in terms of my soul, you bleed me dry of happiness.
You make the most beautiful sunny warm day lifeless and grey
you make me mean and nasty, ugly and vicious and I am willing to do anything to make you go away.
PAIN
All the doctors over and over again, all the medicines each one with worse side effects than the last... And no doctor willing to do anything more then send me on to the next... and no one going to help me.

Gray

I want to live...
i get so tired; tired of the fight, tired of the struggle. I want to rage against all the injustices of the world.
I want to create again.. i want to feel like i can..
I miss the rainbow that was my life. the sights and sounds and smells and beautiful colors that were once my life cooking, flowers, the garden, Gavin, John....so much has changed.
My world has turned gray lonely and dead.. like a life full of winters with no hope of spring.
the saddest of all that i am surrounded by people and no one gets it. no one understands that i am rotting from the inside out.. turned gray and lost in the ocean.... the insides so pain filled and sad. the outside pretending to be someone i am not.. happy positive and upbeat...
will i ever have color again?

Once upon a time...

Friday, June 12, 2009


For Sandy



I breathe in your essense

of loving a child

His Dreams and ambitions

are running wild



Balance of two views,

and two hearts

A glowing of warmth,

the flame in the hearth



Our heart in his hands,

he gives us this gift

My soul in your hands,

the sands to sift



A love is not taken

It is to give

Please receive mine,

my reason to live



Love is around us,

within us,

compelling us,

igniting us.

But will it be seen by both of us



For when we share each burden,

We delight in each joy

The glee in the girl

the boast in the boy



Your smile is my measure

of all I can be

In lifes imperfection

as vast as the sea

 by JMUZIKMON