NEVER ENOUGH

I wonder when I will ever be enough? I am only good enough if you don't look too deep.
on the surface I've got it all. Husband, Kid, Job, Awesome Truck, people in my life... an then you look and see all the cracks in the veneer that is my life.
I am not much of a wife cause i can't give my husband the things he wants and needs.. I can't cook much anymore because i now vie for spaced in the kitchen, i don't clean anymore cause i don't do it well enough... i really don't feel like anything in bed cause i am fat and ugly and everything is sliding south and not aging gracefully
I'm a lousy mother... My son is angry and mean and having a hard time coping with life at 9 and somehow this is all my fault.
I spend so much time at work trying to figure out who's in charge; what I'm really supposed to be doing and what my job actually is that i can't actually do my job.
I had a recent experience that led me to take a good long look at why i am never enough and it goes like this.......
My m.i.l. and s.i.l always get together every year to bake the traditional holiday cookies, I am not usually invited. This year i was invited ( i think only because i now live in the apartment in my in laws house) almost 11 years i have been married to my hub. so anyway i was finally invited and i was really excited since i felt like somehow i had evolved. It snowed like 2 feet the day we were supposed to do these and my s.i.l. could not come up from her home 2 hrs away. I tried to be enough... i really really tried.. I told my m.i.l that we could do the cookies and not to worry and i commenced to try to bake cookies....
She spent the entire morning insulting me and then the afternoon whining about how my sis couldn't be there and she didn't want to do it and it was just awful to not have anyone to make them with..... and it hit me... i am only enough if you don't look too close.. so keep away; and you will never see the cracks in my veneer

What do I want?

Ever stopped and think how much time is spent trying to please others?  Why do we do this, for acceptance, for recognition, or is do we really enjoy it?  Some times I really do enjoy seeing the happiness of others and it makes me happy.  But yet, somehow something is missing when we do it all for others.  At some point we have to do what makes us happy.  Finding what it is or what things it is we really want from life, from others, our jobs, our family or the main thing is what we really want from ourself.

Is what I am doing going to be all there is for me?  Recently aswering some silly questionaire it asked where do you see yourself in 5 years.  For what seems like a simple question is difficult to answer.

If I have learned anything in 2009, it was that the life that I thought I wanted is not necessarily what I need or truly desire.  I don't want the cookie cutter life, I won't ever do things just because everyone else thinks it is the way it is suppose to be. I want to wake up each day and feel at ease with the choices I make and the actions I have taken.

This next year I hope to be able to concentrate on that question and find the answer that best suits me. For me, and only me.  I spent many years being a daughter, a wife and a mother.  Now I have the opportunity to be me.  And its time to see what that really means.

PAWN

So often I feel like a pawn on the chess board of life.. shoved here and there... always the first one beat up on, the first one out of the gate. I wonder; what is the right thing? I listen to this side of a story or that side of the story and I understand both and no matter what I do it seems that there is no right thing; no satisfying anyone.. even myself. Maybe because I feel like I've worked so hard to get to the solution, that, everyone should be satisfied with the end result not who was right who was wrong. That is the dream world I live in.. Instead of being a pawn i should be the queen, like the fairy tales my father would read me when I was little...

Lonely Sunday

Why is it Sunday's seem short in reference to a work week, but long when spent alone. Thoughts of conversations, wondering what happened. No laughter from silly comments, no music, nothing....where did you go, why did you go.

I miss you.

Changes

Normally I try to accept change with an open mind, but sometimes those changes are unwelcome.

I miss him, I miss talking to him, laughing with him and most of all I miss listening to him. I miss his music, the ballads he played so wonderfully. I miss the silly songs he played with gusto.

He had become more important to me than I had planned.

Todd

I was told, but didn't believe.
That once they grew up they would indeed leave.
Those tiny fingers that once grasp my hand
has now grown up and become a man.

His big wide smile always set him apart.
A mischievous grin that could melt my heart.
He is silly and funny and always curious
and yes sometimes he could make furious!

But even those times when he could make me mad.
I always knew I was blessed with this lad.
How quickly he grew. With a mind all his own
I just turned around. And poof he was gone.

Toddy I called him. A loving endearment.
Many memories too cherish with even more sentiment.
Where once my child. my son did stand.
When I look now. I see a man.

I love you son.
And I always knew you would do great things.
And I'd be proud of you!

Regardless of what the future may bring.
I want you to know you make my heart sing.
My words may seem silly or even a bore,
but truth is son I couldn't have loved you more.

Where ever you go. You need never fear.
My heart is your home and I will keep you here.
God gave me this blessing to cherish and love.
But you fill me with more than I could dream of.

Take care of yourself.
Be honest. Be true
and never forget how much I love you!

Understanding

Sometimes I find myself in thoughts of "why" when maybe I would be better to forget. But that is so much easier said than done on occasion.

I know my heart, and my desires and try to be aware of my actions. It's of those things I should concentrate and disperse any passing thoughts of those who may not approve. Not that I don't care but that those people many times are self centered and uncaring of the others. And if this be who they are, closed off and arrogant then why spend time even with questioning?

Because I have a strong desire to understand, is why. I don't understand why people would create judgements prior to making an acquaintance. Not spoken, written or other wise. How do you do that? How do you just decide a person is not worth meeting with never have opened the door to opportunity? Are people really that mean? Can they be that rude? Does an others feelings never count? Where is common courtesy? What happened to being open minded, and welcoming?

No I am not so arrogant that I believe all should open welcoming arms for a new friendship or relation ship. And yes there will be and are people who just don't appeal to me or I to them. But I can honestly say I gave them the opportunity prior to passing such a harsh judgement.

I do believe there is good in all people. That everyone deserves an honest shot until they prove to be UN-trustworthy. And I hope I always show people I truly care and that they are worth my time and efforts. I hope I never walk away and leave hurt feelings.

Truth is, walking away is difficult for me. I can't recall ever closing a door on a friendship or relationship. Time and work might keep me from making those "hi, how are you?" phone calls, the unexpected card or note that says I was thinking about you. But I hope everyone I have ever met knows that I do care, and they are important in my life.