Gray

I want to live...
i get so tired; tired of the fight, tired of the struggle. I want to rage against all the injustices of the world.
I want to create again.. i want to feel like i can..
I miss the rainbow that was my life. the sights and sounds and smells and beautiful colors that were once my life cooking, flowers, the garden, Gavin, John....so much has changed.
My world has turned gray lonely and dead.. like a life full of winters with no hope of spring.
the saddest of all that i am surrounded by people and no one gets it. no one understands that i am rotting from the inside out.. turned gray and lost in the ocean.... the insides so pain filled and sad. the outside pretending to be someone i am not.. happy positive and upbeat...
will i ever have color again?

Once upon a time...

Friday, June 12, 2009


For Sandy



I breathe in your essense

of loving a child

His Dreams and ambitions

are running wild



Balance of two views,

and two hearts

A glowing of warmth,

the flame in the hearth



Our heart in his hands,

he gives us this gift

My soul in your hands,

the sands to sift



A love is not taken

It is to give

Please receive mine,

my reason to live



Love is around us,

within us,

compelling us,

igniting us.

But will it be seen by both of us



For when we share each burden,

We delight in each joy

The glee in the girl

the boast in the boy



Your smile is my measure

of all I can be

In lifes imperfection

as vast as the sea

 by JMUZIKMON

why?

what did i do to make you hate me so much? I have tried so hard to please you to make you only once turn to me and say good job. you seem incapable of looking in my direction without disgust. do i not work hard every day?do i not take care of your son? do i not parent? do i not clean and take care of your home? I work, i parent i do whatever i think you want me to do... and never once can you be kind to me. now your disrespect, your disgust is showing up in my son. he turned to me and said "i will eat anything you don't fix" he is now mimicking you hating his mother because you cannot even like me a little. i take good care of your son. you and i were friends once and now your contempt and disgust are the mask you wear.. or maybe you took off the mask and what i now see is real.i never asked you for anything other than to be a grandfather to my son and a father to yours. Why? Why do you hate me so much?

NEVER ENOUGH

I wonder when I will ever be enough? I am only good enough if you don't look too deep.
on the surface I've got it all. Husband, Kid, Job, Awesome Truck, people in my life... an then you look and see all the cracks in the veneer that is my life.
I am not much of a wife cause i can't give my husband the things he wants and needs.. I can't cook much anymore because i now vie for spaced in the kitchen, i don't clean anymore cause i don't do it well enough... i really don't feel like anything in bed cause i am fat and ugly and everything is sliding south and not aging gracefully
I'm a lousy mother... My son is angry and mean and having a hard time coping with life at 9 and somehow this is all my fault.
I spend so much time at work trying to figure out who's in charge; what I'm really supposed to be doing and what my job actually is that i can't actually do my job.
I had a recent experience that led me to take a good long look at why i am never enough and it goes like this.......
My m.i.l. and s.i.l always get together every year to bake the traditional holiday cookies, I am not usually invited. This year i was invited ( i think only because i now live in the apartment in my in laws house) almost 11 years i have been married to my hub. so anyway i was finally invited and i was really excited since i felt like somehow i had evolved. It snowed like 2 feet the day we were supposed to do these and my s.i.l. could not come up from her home 2 hrs away. I tried to be enough... i really really tried.. I told my m.i.l that we could do the cookies and not to worry and i commenced to try to bake cookies....
She spent the entire morning insulting me and then the afternoon whining about how my sis couldn't be there and she didn't want to do it and it was just awful to not have anyone to make them with..... and it hit me... i am only enough if you don't look too close.. so keep away; and you will never see the cracks in my veneer

What do I want?

Ever stopped and think how much time is spent trying to please others?  Why do we do this, for acceptance, for recognition, or is do we really enjoy it?  Some times I really do enjoy seeing the happiness of others and it makes me happy.  But yet, somehow something is missing when we do it all for others.  At some point we have to do what makes us happy.  Finding what it is or what things it is we really want from life, from others, our jobs, our family or the main thing is what we really want from ourself.

Is what I am doing going to be all there is for me?  Recently aswering some silly questionaire it asked where do you see yourself in 5 years.  For what seems like a simple question is difficult to answer.

If I have learned anything in 2009, it was that the life that I thought I wanted is not necessarily what I need or truly desire.  I don't want the cookie cutter life, I won't ever do things just because everyone else thinks it is the way it is suppose to be. I want to wake up each day and feel at ease with the choices I make and the actions I have taken.

This next year I hope to be able to concentrate on that question and find the answer that best suits me. For me, and only me.  I spent many years being a daughter, a wife and a mother.  Now I have the opportunity to be me.  And its time to see what that really means.

PAWN

So often I feel like a pawn on the chess board of life.. shoved here and there... always the first one beat up on, the first one out of the gate. I wonder; what is the right thing? I listen to this side of a story or that side of the story and I understand both and no matter what I do it seems that there is no right thing; no satisfying anyone.. even myself. Maybe because I feel like I've worked so hard to get to the solution, that, everyone should be satisfied with the end result not who was right who was wrong. That is the dream world I live in.. Instead of being a pawn i should be the queen, like the fairy tales my father would read me when I was little...

Lonely Sunday

Why is it Sunday's seem short in reference to a work week, but long when spent alone. Thoughts of conversations, wondering what happened. No laughter from silly comments, no music, nothing....where did you go, why did you go.

I miss you.